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Kobayashi Maru
Many of my friends are geeks. Some of them never dated seriously in college, let alone high school, so they're just now coming into their own in the dating world. Some of them may be in longterm relationships right now, but they may also be discovering for the first time how attractive they actually are to potential members of the dating pool; being geeks, they're almost certainly finding themselves in a horrible dilemma: how do they break off a relationship in order to chase tail without appearing like cads or hurting their current loved one's feelings? That's the Kobayashi Maru of relationship dilemmas.
The Kobayashi Maru doubles as both the name of a ship and as the name of a training exercise mentioned in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. In the training scenario, a captain receives a distress signal from a freighter adrift just inside the Neutral Zone, the demilitarized zone that separates the Federation from the Romulan Empire. The captain knows that entering the Neutral Zone is a violation of the Federation-Romulan Peace Treaty, but the freighter is in serious and imminent danger; a good captain is obliged to enter the Neutral Zone and render assistance. As soon as the captain's ship approaches the endangered freighter, however, a flight of Romulan ships attacks. Outnumbered and outgunned, the captain is quickly captured or killed.
The point of the exercise is to teach aspiring captains that sometimes there is no way to "win" in a scenario. One makes the best decisions one can and hopes for the best.
Geeks, of course, will immediately remember that then-cadet James Tiberius Kirk "beat" the Kobayashi Maru scenario by sneaking into the control room the night before his test and altering the scenario to make it beatable; in other words, he cheated.
Back to the geeks. Geeks, by their nature, tend to be pretty sweet significant others*; they're usually tremendously loyal and hate to inflict pain on their partners, mostly because they've received their own unfair share of hurt in life. At some point, however, geeks may want to end their relationships; perhaps they've discovered their aforementioned appeal to the rest of the dating pool, perhaps they've found someone else they're interested in dating, or perhaps they just need more City of Heroes time. Whatever the reason, they need/want to break up, and they very much want to do it without hurting their partner's feelings.
This is impossible. You cannot unilaterally end a relationship without hurting someone's feelings.
Already you can see smoke beginning to rise from our geek's circuit boards. Must not inflict pain; must end relationship; conflict! Conflict!
Easy there, Mr. Norman. While you cannot avoid inflicting pain in any unilateral breakup, you can minimize it. It's a lot easier than you're willing to admit.
Step One: Communicate. This is a necessary component of any successful relationship, and it's absolutely critical for any good breakup. Find out how your SO feels about the life, the universe, and everything, and then make sure your SO knows how you feel. Do not pull this "I have a dark side that I can never share with you" BS. You're not Batman, and if you're a serial killer on the side, this list is really not for you anyway. Talk. Talk, talk, talk. If you communicate best through instant-messaging (bless your little heart), then communicate through IM. Just open those com lines wide and clear.
Step Two: Be Honest with Yourself. Take a deep breath and honestly work out what you want. If you want more you-time, then admit that to yourself. If you want to date that cute thing who hangs around your work, then admit that to yourself. If you just want to have the option to snog the next thing that comes along, then admit that to yourself. Admit to yourself that your real reasons for wanting out of the relationship are, at their base, selfish; there's nothing wrong with selfish reasons as long as you don't let them make you inflict horrible damage on others.
Step Three: Cowboy Up. Make the decision to break up. Pick the time and place, and then just do it. Draw on Step Two to help you explain yourself to your SO. Explain that it's you, explain that you don't want to continue the relationship, explain that this is not an issue that can be worked out, that you cannot be talked out of it, that you're sorry to be hurting your SO like this, that it's your fault and your decision, and that your SO really, really, really has done nothing to warrant this breakup**. Then break up.
Making the decision to break up and following through is the hardest thing for most geeks to do. By nature, geeks hate confrontation, and nothing says confrontation like a breakup. Instead, most geeks, remembering their Trek-lore, will pull a Kirk and cheat. Oh, they won't actively seek out someone to cheat with. They won't actively sabotage the relationship. No, they'll simply let a cheating scenario develop and then say, "Oh! How terrible! I've found myself cheating on my SO! I'm horrible and awful, and my SO shouldn't date me anymore!" This way, the geek gets a breakup without having to decide to breakup; it's like a no-fault divorce. This is a chickenshit way to break up, and if any of the fine geeks in my audience thinks this is somehow less painful than following Steps One through Three above, you're not only selfish, you're a complete and utter child. Own up to your responsibilities in a relationship.
Remember the Order of Operations: Break up first, then go snog/chase tail/whatever. It's the only honorable way to do it.
(* Yes, yes, there are plenty of counterexamples. YMMV.)
(** If your SO has done something to warrant this breakup and didn't see this breakup coming, then you're really, really not paying attention to Step One, are you?)
(My relationship with Yoko is fine, thank you. However, some people I know seem to have never read the man files for relationships. This is for them.)
The Kobayashi Maru doubles as both the name of a ship and as the name of a training exercise mentioned in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. In the training scenario, a captain receives a distress signal from a freighter adrift just inside the Neutral Zone, the demilitarized zone that separates the Federation from the Romulan Empire. The captain knows that entering the Neutral Zone is a violation of the Federation-Romulan Peace Treaty, but the freighter is in serious and imminent danger; a good captain is obliged to enter the Neutral Zone and render assistance. As soon as the captain's ship approaches the endangered freighter, however, a flight of Romulan ships attacks. Outnumbered and outgunned, the captain is quickly captured or killed.
The point of the exercise is to teach aspiring captains that sometimes there is no way to "win" in a scenario. One makes the best decisions one can and hopes for the best.
Geeks, of course, will immediately remember that then-cadet James Tiberius Kirk "beat" the Kobayashi Maru scenario by sneaking into the control room the night before his test and altering the scenario to make it beatable; in other words, he cheated.
Back to the geeks. Geeks, by their nature, tend to be pretty sweet significant others*; they're usually tremendously loyal and hate to inflict pain on their partners, mostly because they've received their own unfair share of hurt in life. At some point, however, geeks may want to end their relationships; perhaps they've discovered their aforementioned appeal to the rest of the dating pool, perhaps they've found someone else they're interested in dating, or perhaps they just need more City of Heroes time. Whatever the reason, they need/want to break up, and they very much want to do it without hurting their partner's feelings.
This is impossible. You cannot unilaterally end a relationship without hurting someone's feelings.
Already you can see smoke beginning to rise from our geek's circuit boards. Must not inflict pain; must end relationship; conflict! Conflict!
Easy there, Mr. Norman. While you cannot avoid inflicting pain in any unilateral breakup, you can minimize it. It's a lot easier than you're willing to admit.
Step One: Communicate. This is a necessary component of any successful relationship, and it's absolutely critical for any good breakup. Find out how your SO feels about the life, the universe, and everything, and then make sure your SO knows how you feel. Do not pull this "I have a dark side that I can never share with you" BS. You're not Batman, and if you're a serial killer on the side, this list is really not for you anyway. Talk. Talk, talk, talk. If you communicate best through instant-messaging (bless your little heart), then communicate through IM. Just open those com lines wide and clear.
Step Two: Be Honest with Yourself. Take a deep breath and honestly work out what you want. If you want more you-time, then admit that to yourself. If you want to date that cute thing who hangs around your work, then admit that to yourself. If you just want to have the option to snog the next thing that comes along, then admit that to yourself. Admit to yourself that your real reasons for wanting out of the relationship are, at their base, selfish; there's nothing wrong with selfish reasons as long as you don't let them make you inflict horrible damage on others.
Step Three: Cowboy Up. Make the decision to break up. Pick the time and place, and then just do it. Draw on Step Two to help you explain yourself to your SO. Explain that it's you, explain that you don't want to continue the relationship, explain that this is not an issue that can be worked out, that you cannot be talked out of it, that you're sorry to be hurting your SO like this, that it's your fault and your decision, and that your SO really, really, really has done nothing to warrant this breakup**. Then break up.
Making the decision to break up and following through is the hardest thing for most geeks to do. By nature, geeks hate confrontation, and nothing says confrontation like a breakup. Instead, most geeks, remembering their Trek-lore, will pull a Kirk and cheat. Oh, they won't actively seek out someone to cheat with. They won't actively sabotage the relationship. No, they'll simply let a cheating scenario develop and then say, "Oh! How terrible! I've found myself cheating on my SO! I'm horrible and awful, and my SO shouldn't date me anymore!" This way, the geek gets a breakup without having to decide to breakup; it's like a no-fault divorce. This is a chickenshit way to break up, and if any of the fine geeks in my audience thinks this is somehow less painful than following Steps One through Three above, you're not only selfish, you're a complete and utter child. Own up to your responsibilities in a relationship.
Remember the Order of Operations: Break up first, then go snog/chase tail/whatever. It's the only honorable way to do it.
(* Yes, yes, there are plenty of counterexamples. YMMV.)
(** If your SO has done something to warrant this breakup and didn't see this breakup coming, then you're really, really not paying attention to Step One, are you?)
(My relationship with Yoko is fine, thank you. However, some people I know seem to have never read the man files for relationships. This is for them.)
no subject
You might want to add one more rule: Once you have checked out of the relationship, don't let it linger. Break up. To do this, non-procrastination is only half the battle. You need to be emotionally honest enough with yourself that you recognize what is going on. Following rule one is a big help towards you own internal emotional honesty.
Prompt initiation of breakup does not mean abandoning loyalty. Loyalty is good. Being prompt just means recognizing when done is done and loyalty is no longer valid.
I am guilty of breaking that rule, letting a relationship linter and decay well after I had checked out. It really wasn't fair to my ex-girlfriend. She eventually forgave me and we are decent friends, but other reasonable people might not have been able to forgive.
no subject
Remember, kids: Just do it and be done with it.
no subject
Friendship is wonderful. Romance is wonderful. But the two are different. Too many geeks, eager to assuage their consciences of inflicting pain upon the dumped, pull the Let's Be Friends without thinking about how you do that.
You don't maintain a romantic relationship on Tuesday and then have a friendship on Wednesday. Just as the romantic relationship took time to build and become whatever it became, so must the friendship.
That is, you have to *start* the friendship in the first place. Even if you started as friends and then become lovers, you still have to return to friendship.
The lines between the two states are blurry when you're in the throes of emotional trauma.
Sometimes, there is no basis for friendship. You have to accept that and move along. Just because you can't be friends doesn't mean you can't count the ex-lover as someone you can be civil with. Your record of not leaving strings of broken lovers behind you will be intact if you don't force a friendship.
Other times, you need to wait. It's too painful to go from being able to touch a person intimately on Tuesday to being allowed only a platonic hug on Wednesday. And for godsakes, if you try to go that quickly, don't linger -- hug the ex, but don't hold. Sit on the couch next to the ex, don't cuddle. Make sure that there are no blurry lines.
no subject