Troy, In a Nutshell

[erikred]

Troy, in a nutshell.

Battlefield in Thessaly.

King Agamemnon of Mycenae and King Triopas of Thessaly meet on a battlefield.

AGAMEMNON: So, I'll be taking your land.

TRIOPAS: Let's see, you've taken over all of Greece apart from us, yet I'm stunningly unaware of how you keep doing it. No, I think we'll resist.

AGAMEMNON: Excellent. How about your best red-shirt against my best yellow-shirt, winner takes all?

TRIOPAS: This all sounds awfully familiar, but I can't place it, so, sure, bring him on.

Agamemnon sends a boy to get Achilles. Achilles is asleep in bed with two women, neither of whom, for some reason and in utter defiance of all logic in having an R rating, have nipples.

ACHILLES: Killing time, huh? What's he look like?

BOY: Biggest man I've ever seen. I'd be afraid to fight him.

ACHILLES: You're what, ten years old, and you'd be afraid to fight a grown man with weapons? Wuss.

Achilles shows up on field of battle.

AGAMEMNON: Nice of you to show up. Why do I pay you again?

ACHILLES: You don't. I do this for free because I'm a psychotic.

AGAMEMNON: Oh, that's right. Well, off you go, then.

Achilles starts running toward Red Shirt. Red Shirt throws two spears and misses. Achilles leaps in the air, stabs Red Shirt through shoulder down to heart, and pulls out his sword. Red Shirt falls down.

ACHILLES: So. Where's this tough guy you wanted me to kill?

TRIOPAS: Well, I'm firing my entire intelligence staff. How the hell did they miss you?

ACHILLES: Plot device, don't sweat it.

King Menelaus' castle in Sparta.

Party scene. It's hard to describe the decor without using the term un-Spartan.

MENELAUS: So here's a toast to pretty-boy Paris and smolderingly handsome Hector. It's a good thing Troy and Sparta are at peace now, 'cos I'm drunk enough to butcher Hector and bugger Paris.

HECTOR: Well, here's to peace, then!

They all pour some wine on the floor, which you'll all remember from your 10th grade World Civilizations class is how the Greeks honor their gods. What do you mean you don't remember that class? How dare you watch this movie without doing your homework? That's detention for the lot of you! Oh, that's right, watching this movie is worse than detention. Carry on.

Hector and Menelaus share a manly hug. The band starts playing the "Let's Get Horny" music from Excalibur. Paris takes his cue and heads up the stairs after Helen.

HELEN: Have I mentioned I'm married to the King of Sparta?

PARIS: Yeah, I got that part.

HELEN: Well, aren't you gay?

PARIS: No, that's just a rumor Matt Drudge keeps posting.

HELEN: So you and Achilles....?

PARIS: No, that's just posthumous slash fiction off the Internet. You know how reliable that stuff is.

HELEN: Well, okay, then, let's get into bed.

PARIS: Hey, do you mind if I call you Brad?

Trojan Boat leaving the Spartan Harbor, Next Morning

Paris and Hector watch the horizon.

PARIS: Hey, remember that time when you found that dog down on the beach and it followed you home and you wanted to keep it, but Dad said no, but I kept whining for you, and he finally said yes?

HECTOR: Does this have anything to do with the package you smuggled on board the boat?

PARIS: What?!? No, no, of course not, what package? Oh, never mind.

HECTOR: Okay.

They pause for a moment.

PARIS: Okay, it's about the package I had smuggled on board the boat.

HECTOR: If it's a puppy, you can keep it.

PARIS: Actually, it's Helen.

HECTOR: Well, mom will be happy.

PARIS: Why do you say that?

HECTOR: She was afraid you were gay.

PARIS: Look, I told you, that's just a rumor Matt Drudge keeps posting.

HECTOR: Sure, whatever.

PARIS: So you're not angry about me stealing the wife of the King we just made peace with?

HECTOR: You keep forgetting, I'm the smart brother. I actually read the Iliad in school, unlike some people who apparently only read the Cliff's Notes. I saw this all coming a mile away.

Both of them look uncomfortably at the camera, then look away.

PARIS: Well, why didn't you say something?

HECTOR: Fate, destiny, didn't want to piss off the gods.

PARIS: There are no gods in this movie.

HECTOR: Why does every Greek hero who's about to be cursed by the gods say that?

Agamemnon's Castle in Mycenae

Menelaus approaches Agamemnon's throne.

MENELAUS: I want her back so’s I can kill her with my own two hands.

AGAMEMNON: You always were a strange duck, but I’ll bet you make a great king of the Spartans. It just so happens I’m between country-conquerings just now, so you’re in luck. Nestor, get my armies together.

NESTOR: You’ll want Achilles for this.

AGAMEMNON: Refresh my memory. What’s he done for me lately?

NESTOR: Delivered Thessaly to you.

AGAMEMNON: Oh, him. Sure, whatever, bring the wunderkind along.

The Hills of Phthia

Achilles and Patroclus are sparring with wooden swords. Well, Patroclus is sparring, and Achilles is humoring him.

ACHILLES: Remember what I taught you.

PATROCLUS: Ho, ha-ha, guard, turn, parry, dodge, spin, ha, thrust—

Achilles whacks him on the head, then picks up a spear and throws it so it hits a tree near Odysseus’ horse.

ODYSSEUS: And here I thought I was playing a clever good guy for once.

ACHILLES: Oh, sorry, you are, I just needed to practice throwing my spear. It comes up a lot in the battle scenes.

ODYSSEUS: So, you know why I’m here.

ACHILLES: Well, my mother is a goddess.

PATROCLUS: I thought there were no gods in this movie?

ODYSSEUS: Well, it’s been nice knowing you, kid. See you in Troy, Achilles.

Achilles goes down to see his mom, who’s looking for shells to make a necklace for him.

THETIS: I packed you a big lunch.

ACHILLES: Well, I haven’t said I would go yet.

THETIS: Don’t make me play the Oracle. You know I hate that movie.

ACHILLES: I thought you liked the first one.

THETIS: Sure, everyone liked the first one, but you don’t have to be a goddess to know the other two stank.

ACHILLES: I hear he’s going to play John Constantine.

THETIS: What are you trying to do, make me angry so I’ll be glad to see you go to war?

ACHILLES: Well, I guess this is goodbye, then.

THETIS: Not really. I’m still a goddess, so I get visitations.

ACHILLES: I guess there’s no point in me saying there are no gods in this movie.

THETIS: No, you’re pretty much doomed already.


And that's as far as I've gotten.

Comments

[eumenide.livejournal.com]

So...horrified...and...yet...so...fascinated.

A friend and I are rereading the Iliad before our viewing, to be the more properly traumatized.

[erikred.livejournal.com]

A friend and I are rereading the Iliad before our viewing, to be the more properly traumatized.

Then I won't write up the battle scenes until you've had a chance to see the film on your own. I mean, I don't want to give away the surprises....

You can be truly horrified now.

[eumenide.livejournal.com]

Surprises in the battle scenes?

Uhm.

O dear.

addendum

[eumenide.livejournal.com]

I do not remember if I emailed you this or not.

DUN DUN DUN.

Re: addendum

[erikred.livejournal.com]

oh, yes, absolutely! it was the inspiration. so, did you go see it?